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• If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
• Are children who act in rated ‘R’ movies allowed to see them?
• Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
• When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
• Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
• If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
• Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
• Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
• “Cute as a button” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
• Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
• Are marbles made of marble?
• Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
• If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

• Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
• Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
• Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
• Can you get cornered in a round room?
• Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
• Why don’t the hairs on your arms get split ends?
• If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
• Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
• In that song, she’ll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
• How come we say ‘It’s colder than hell outside’ when isn’t it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
• Why is it that if something says, “do not eat” on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
• Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
• Wouldn’t it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
• Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don’t they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
• “Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?”
• Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?
• Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
• Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
• Can mute people burp?
• What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
• Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
• How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
• If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
• If heat rises, then shouldn’t hell be cold?
• Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
• Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
• beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
• Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
• Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
• Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
• Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
• Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
• Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
• Why can’t you get a tan on your palms?

• If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
• Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
• Why do companies offer you “free gifts?” Since when has a gift NOT been
• free?
• If something “goes without saying,” why do people still say it?
• You know the expression, “Don’t quit your day job?” Well what do you say to
• people that work nights?
• Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you’re standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn’t you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
• Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
• Why is a square meal served on round plates?
• Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
• Which way does a compass point in space?
• Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can’t we run outside naked?
• Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
• If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
• Why did Mary own a little lamb?
• If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
• Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
• If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
• If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, “I wish you would not grant me this wish” what would you do?
• Why are Pringles curved?
• What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
• Why aren’t safety pins as safe as they say they are?

• If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
• Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
• Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
• Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
• Can bald men get lice??
• How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?
• Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
• Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
• Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
• Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren’t they just different forms of water?
• Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
• If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver’s license?
• How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don’t take off the price if you get something taken off?
• Can you get cornered in a round room?
• Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
• Why don’t the hairs on your arms get split ends?
• If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
• Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
• In that song, she’ll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
• “How come we say ‘It’s colder than hell outside’ when isn’t it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?”
• Why is it that if something says, “do not eat” on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
• If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
• If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it’s 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
• What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
• If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
• Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
• Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
• Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
• When something’s funny why is it called a “knee-slapper” when you actually slap your thigh?
• Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
• Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
• If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
• Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
• Why is “number” abbreviated as “no”? When there is no “o” in number?
• Why do they call the small candy bars the “fun sizes”? Wouldn’t be more fun to
• eat a big one?
• Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
• Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America’s problems?
• Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
• If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
• Why is Donkey Kong called “DONKEY” Kong if he’s a monkey?
• If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
• When a boy is named after his dad, he is called ‘Junior,’ but what do
• you call a girl that is named after her mother?
• Just what was the “Baby On Board” sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
• hit in case of an accident?
• Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
• If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
• Can you cry under water?
• If all of the Acme stuff doesn’t work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
• 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
• strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
• Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your
• thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going too ?

• Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it’s really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
• Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
• Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?
• Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
• Since there is a rule that states “i” before “e” except after “c”, wouldn’t “science” be spelled wrong?
• If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
• If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
• them at the end of the bathrooms ?
• Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says “adult” is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
• Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
• Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
• Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
• Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?
• If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
• Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it’s illegal to keep them as a pet?
• What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
• Can someone give up lent for lent?
• Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
• Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
• What did cured ham actually have?
• If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
• If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
• If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
• Can a blind man see his future?
• Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• Why do people say, “you’ve been working like a dog” when dogs just sit around all day?
• Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

• Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
• Can you blow a balloon up under water?
• Can crop circles be square?
• How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
• Why are there black lines on a basketball?
• Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
• Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
• If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
• If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
• Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
• When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
• If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say “30 minutes” then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
• Why isn’t the word ‘gullible’ in the dictionary?
• When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what’s the difference?
• Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
• Why are women and men’s shoe sizes different?
• What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who’s name is Jack?
• If you took a compass to outer space would it still point “magnetic north”? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
• Why is it illegal to put money in other people’s parking meters?
• Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
• Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
• Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
• Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
• Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
• If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
• Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
• pasta into the water?
• If a criminal turns himself in shouldn’t he get the reward money?
• Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren’t red and green the
• traditional colors?
• Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn’t that make them slower when chasing someone?
• If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
• Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
• How come wine and hard liquor doesn’t come in cans, but beer does?
• When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?

• If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
• Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
• Why does “lake” come first (Lake Michigan) and “river” come second (Mississippi River)?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
• What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
• Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
• If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
• If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
• If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
• If the weather man says “it’s a 50% chance of rain” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
• If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
• If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
• When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
• Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
• Can’t anybody who has a job go in the “employees only” doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say “employees of this place only”?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
• to look at things on the ground?
• What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
• If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
• Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
• Is an alcoholic just a drunk that’s scared of a hangover?
• If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
• white?
• If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
• If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God…is it possible that there’s another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
• Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
• How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They’re attached at the back, wouldn’t they have been raised in the same place?
• Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
• Can you fart and burp at the same time?
• How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
• Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
• If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
• If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
• Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
• Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
• road…what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
• If you can test drive cars at the dealer’s, why not test-drive lawnmowers
• around at a hardware store?
• Is there anything easier done than said?
• Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
• Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
• If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
• Are you able to fart in heaven?
• Why isn’t sour cream really sour?
• Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
• Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
• If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
• Do ducks sneeze?
• Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
• Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
• Why do they call it “morning sickness” in the middle of the afternoon?
• Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
• If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
• Can vampires donate blood?
• If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
• If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
• How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
• If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
• Why is there an L in NOEL?
• If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
• Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
• What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
• If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
• Do fish ever get thirsty?
• Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open?
• If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
• If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
• Why don’t ducks duck when you shoot at them?
• On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
• Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
• Can angels eat devils food cake?
• If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
• Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
• Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
• Is bad a bad word?
• If dinosaurs had sores………what would they be called?
• What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
• Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it’s for CHILDREN!?
• Why do they call front seat shotgun?
• Why are all farms red?
• Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
• Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
• Why are there dents in a golf ball?
• Why are the obituaries found in the “living” section of the newspaper?
• How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
• When you put ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ together, it forms ‘THEIRS’. Coincidence? I think not?
• What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
• Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
• If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn’t exist then?
• How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
• Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
• What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• What do mermaids eat?
• If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
• If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
• If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
• Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
• If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
• If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
• Why are all farms red?
• why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren’t?
• Are there female leprechauns?
• Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
• Do fish sleep?
• Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
• Isn’t it scary that the word “therapist” is the same as the words “the” and “rapist” put together?
• Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
• On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
• Do pigs pull ham strings?
• Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
• Why do radio operators say “niner” instead of just “nine”?
• Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

• Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
• Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
• Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a “time” clock? Aren’t all clocks “time” clocks?
• Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
• Can dogs have dog days?
• When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady’s husband be called if she were elected president?
• If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
• Do birds pee?
• Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
• Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
• What do you say when someone says you’re in denial, but you’re not?
• If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
• Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You’d get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
• If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere…which way does it spin at the equator?
• If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
• nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
• If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
• If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
• Why does “closing up” a shop and “closing down” a shop mean the same thing?
• Why do they call them “Animal Crackers” when there not even crackers…they’re cookies?
• How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
• Why do old men have hair in their ears?
• Why are things typed up but written down?
• Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
• In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
• If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
• If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• What does OK actually mean?
• what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

• Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
• Why can’t you eat pancakes for dinner?
• Why do donuts have holes?
• Why don’t you hear thunder with heat lightning?
• Do the different “M&M’s”® colors taste different?
• If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
• If you’re caught “between a rock and a hard place”, is the rock not hard?
• If one man says, “it was an uphill battle,” and another says, “it went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?
• Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
• Why do we say “bye bye” but not “hi hi”?
• Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
• How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
• Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
• Why doesn’t the glue in the bottle dry up?
• If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
• If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
• If you decide that you’re indecisive, which one are you?
• Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
• Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
• Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
• If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren’t you being judgmental yourself?
• Why do they call it your “bottom”, when it’s really in the middle of your body?
• How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
• Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
• Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
• Why do they call it “head over heels in love” If our head is always over our heels?
• Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
• Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
• If someone can’t see, they’re blind and if someone cant hear, they’re deaf, so what do you call people who can’t smell?
• How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
• Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
• Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
• Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
• Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
• How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
• Do cows drink milk?
• Can a guy named Nick have a ‘nick’name?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
• What is a male ladybug called?
• Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
• Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?
• If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
• How fast do hotcakes sell?
• If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
• Does the President have to pay taxes?
• Why do they put “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights?
• If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
• If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
• Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

• Isn’t it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
• What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
• Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
• What do you call a female daddy long legs?
• If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
• In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
• Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
• Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
• If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
• Why are SOFTballs hard?
• Do vampires get AIDS?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
• Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
• Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
• If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
• If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
• Does a postman deliver his own mail?
• Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
• If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why doesn’t a chicken egg taste like chicken?
• Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
• Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
• Do mimes watch silent movies?
• Is the fear of flying groundless?
• Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
• If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
• Why are boxing rings square?
• Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
• Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
• Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Why do birds have white poop?
• Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
• Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
• Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.
• If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
• If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
• Do sore thumbs really stick out?
• Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
• Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
• What’s the opposite of opposite?
• If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
• Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
• Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
• If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
• On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren’t even in the word?
• Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
• Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
• Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
• If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
• How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
• If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, “Everybody get down”, would all the people start dancing?
• Why is a woman in a suit a “business person” but a man in a dress is a “transvestite”?
• When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
• Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
• Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
• How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
• Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
• IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
• If you cut off a glowworm’s tail would it be delighted?
• How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
• If you say something is indescribable, isn’t that describing it?
• Do Dutch people always split the bill?
• Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
• Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
• If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
• How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby’s character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
• If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn’t it get better fuel mileage?
• Why is the blackboard green?

• Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
• Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
• If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
• Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
• Did they have antiques in the olden days?
• Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
• If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
• Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
• What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
• Where does the white go when the snow melts?
• Can blind people see their dreams?
• If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
• Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
• Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
• Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
• If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
• If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
• why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
• If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
• Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
• Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
• Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
• why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
• What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
• Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
• What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
• If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
• What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
• What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
• If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
• how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
• How can you hear yourself think?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
• Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
• How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
• If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
• If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
• if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
• Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
• why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
• Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
• How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
• Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
• Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
• why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• How does Santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
• If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
• If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
• What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
• why are turds pinched off at the end?
• I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
• Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
• If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
• How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
• What would you use to dilute water?
• What should one call a male ladybird?
• How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
• If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
• If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Aren’t all generalizations false?
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
• If so, how could you treat them?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels?
• Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
• But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
• How can someone “draw a blank”?
• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
• How can there be “self help GROUPS”?
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
• How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
• How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
• If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
• If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
• If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
• If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
• If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
• If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
• If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
• If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
• If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
• If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
• If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
• If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
• If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
• If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
• If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
• If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
• If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
• If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
• If you take a shower, where do you put it?
• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
• If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
• Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Is there a Dr. Salt?
• Isn’t hot water already hot?
• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
• Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
• Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
• There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
• What came first the chicken or the egg?
• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
• What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
• What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
• What happened to the first 6 ups?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
• What is a free gift?
• Aren’t all gifts free?
• What is another word for “thesaurus”?
• What is the speed of dark?
• What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• What’s another word for synonym?
• When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
• When people lose weight, where does it go?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Where are Preparations A through G?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Who invented accents?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
• Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are they called ’stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
• Why are we afraid of falling?
• Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
• Why aren’t there bulletproof pants?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
• Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
• Won’t they all stop eventually?
• Why do bars advertise live bands?
• What does a dead band sound like?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
• Why do guys wear underpants?

• Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
• Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
• Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
• Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why do we have hot water heaters?
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
• Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
• Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?

• Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
• Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
• Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
• Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
• Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
• Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
• Why is the alphabet in that order?
• Is it because of that song?
• Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
• Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
• Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
• Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
• Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
• Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

• Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
• Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
• Have ex-punsters been expunged?
• How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
• Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
• Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
• Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
• If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

• Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
• Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
• If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
• that they forgot?
• If you died with braces on would they take them off?
• Why do mattresses have designs on them when they’re always covered with sheets?
• If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
• If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
• Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
• Do cows have calf muscles?
• How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
• Do babies produce more spit than adults?
• Why do they say “an alarm going off,” if it is really going on?

“Oopz! I lost my phone number! Could I have yours?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me!”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Flirting is the art of making a man feel pleased with himself.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“I would fly you to the moon and back if you’ll be . . . if you’ll be my baby.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“All women are flirts, but some are restrained by shyness, and others by sense.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Flirtation: attention without intention.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Oops! I lost my mobile number! Could I have yours?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here.”
vquotes by-Anonymous.

“I have had a really bad day today and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you please smile for me?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“You’re so sweet there’s a wanted poster for you at the candy store.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Let make it short and simple, I love you.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“I’m an organ donor, need anything?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“You remind me of my next girlfriend.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Beauty is power and a smile is its sword.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“It’s okay ….. you dont have to stop staring …….. that just means you’re interested.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Did the sun just come out or did you just smile at me?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“A woman will flirt with anyone in the world as long as other people are looking on.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet but nothing compared to you.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Single and looking… anyone wanna be found?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Can’t wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful everyday.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Can I borrow a quarter?
-What for?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“What time do you have to be back in heaven?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Every night I go home crying because I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Happiness iz not a goal, bt a way of life.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.”
quotes by-Dr Seuss

“When I saw you I was afraid to meet you. When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“if i has to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.”
quotes by-dani b

“Some of the greater things in life are unseen thats why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream…”
quotes by-Anonymous

“As we grow older together, As we continue to change with age, There is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you.”
quotes by-Karen Clodfelder

“The best thing about me is you.”
quotes by-Shannon Crown

“We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”
quotes by-Roy Croft

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never… never forget it.”
quotes by-Curtis Judalet

“If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back theyd never ask you to.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says For the woman I love and the second, For my best friend.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
quotes by-Mother Teresa

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.”
quotes by-Colin Raye

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
quotes by-Jesus

“If rain drops were kisses,I could send you showers. if hugs were seas i send you oceans. and if love was a person i send you me!!”
quotes by-ally qwerty

“They say loving you gives pains and full of sacrifices But I’ll rather take pains and lots of sacrifices than not to be love by you.”
quotes by-Aaron

“Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
quotes by-Henri Frederic Amiel

“Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what’s left of your heart that they feel the same.
quotes by-CourtneyJo Wright”
17 year old girl

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we’re really not that different, me and you.”
quotes by-Colin Raye

“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.”
quotes by-John Lennon

“Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one”
quotes by-Friedrich Halm

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
quotes by-william shakespeare

“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”
quotes by-Herman Hesse

“My boyfriend used to ask his mother,” How can I find the right women for me? And she would answer, don’t worry about finding the right women –concentrate on becoming the right man.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing.”
quotes by-Oliver Wendell Holmes

“If hate is such a strong word, then why do wetoss around love like it’s nothing?”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
quotes by-Swedish Proverb

“Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.”
quotes by-David Pratt

My boyfriend used to ask his mother, ‘How can I find the right woman for me?’ and she would answer, Don’t worry about finding the right woman- concentrate on becoming the right man.
quotes by-Anonymous

To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world.
quotes by-Anonymous

“Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Love is a gift from God, and as we obey His laws and genuinely learn to serve others, we develop God’s love in our lives. Love of God is the means of unlocking divine powers which help us to live worthily and to overcome the world.”
quotes by-David B. Haight

“We can cure physical diesases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love>”
quotes by-Mother Teresa

“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Without His love I can do nothing, with His love there is nothing I cannot do.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most.”
quotes by-kati tgj

“You talk too much, you laugh too loud, that’s the price of love.”
quotes by-Brian Ferry

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Love makes time pass; time makes love pass.”
quotes by-French Proverb

“BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THEN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL”
quotes by-HEMMINGWAY

“Live the life you’ve dreamed”
quotes by-Henry David Thoreau

“He who is not impatient is not in love.”
Italian Proverb

“love is a flint that sparks a flame that will either flicker and burn out or continue with a warming glow”
quotes by-Anonymous

“Give expression to the noble desires that lie in your heart.”
quotes by-Gordon B. Hinckley

“To say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days.”
quotes by-William Shakespeare

“Activity and sadness are incompatible.”
quotes by-Anonymous

“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.”
quotes by-Dr Seuss

“The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“if i has to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.”
quotes by-dani b

“If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Some of the greater things in life are unseen thats why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream…”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“As we grow older together, As we continue to change with age, There is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you.”
quotes by-Karen Clodfelder

“The best thing about me is you.”
quotes by-Shannon Crown

“We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“i love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”
quotes by-Roy Croft

“Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never… never forget it.”
quotes by-Curtis Judalet

“If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back theyd never ask you to.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says For the woman I love and the second, For my best friend.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.”
quotes by-Bette Davis

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
quotes by-Mother Teresa

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.”
quotes by-Colin Raye

“This day I will marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
quotes by-Jesus

“The couple that fights the most is the one most in love… it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring.”
quotes by-Shawna Waltemyer

“I self destruct every relationship so that i don’t get hurt… but in truth i just hurt myself worse in the long run..”
quotes by-Anonymous.

If rain drops were kisses,I could send you showers. if hugs were seas i send you oceans. and if love was a person i send you me!!”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise.”
quotes by-Henry Ward Beecher

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
quotes by-Malcolm X

“A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.”
quotes by-Lydia M. Child

“Do not judge from mere appearances; for the lift laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy. The bosom can ache beneath diamond brooches; and many a blithe heart dances under coarse wool.”
quotes by-Edwin Hubbel Chapin

“Sometimes I pause and sadly think of all the things that might have been. Of all the golden chances I let slip by, And which never returned again. It fills me with gloom when I ponder this, Till I look on the other side. How I might have been completely engulfed by misfortune’s surging tide.”
quotes by-G.J. Russell

“Change is certain. Peace is followed by disturbances; departure of evil men by their return. Such recurrences should not constitute occasions for sadness but realities for awareness, so that one may be happy in the interim.”
quotes by-I Ching

“Wondrous is the strength of cheerfulness, and its power of endurance — the cheerful man will do more in the same time, will do it ;better, will preserve it longer, than the sad or sullen.”
quotes by-Thomas Carlyle

“Children see in their parents the past, their parents see in them the future; and if we find more love in the parents for their children than in children for their parents, this is sad but natural. Who does not entertain his hopes more than his recollections.”
quotes by-John Ruskin

“What do sad complaints avail if the offense is not cut down by punishment.”
quotes by-Horace

“The world is sad enough without your woe.”
quotes by-Orison Swett Marden

“We alwayz ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us”
quotes by- Anonymous

“(As sad) as if World War II had never ended.”
quotes by- Nancy Huston

“A low grade sadness coursing through me like a virus.”
quotes by- Greg Bottoms

“A man should always consider how much he has more than he wants, and how much more unhappy he might be than he really is.”
quotes by- Joseph Addison

“A man’s sorrow runs uphill; true it is difficult for him to bear, but it is also difficult for him to keep.”
quotes by- Djuna Barnes

“A moment of time may make us unhappy forever.”
quotes by- John Gay

“A sadness in those eyes like water seeping into a hole you’ve dug in the earth.”
quotes by- Joyce Carol Oates

“A wound heals but the scar remains.”
quotes by- Proverb

“All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them.”
quotes by- Isak Dinesen

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Dying seems less sad than having lived too little.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“However long the night, the dawn will break.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“I had rather have a fool make me merry, than experience make me sad.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Sadness flies away on the wings of time.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“We ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts and evil temper, but rarely, if ever ask Him to forgive us for our sadness.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“You can choose to be happy or sad and whichever you choose that is what you get. No one is really responsible to make someone else happy, no matter what most people have been taught and accept as true.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Love iz a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All u need is love”
-Anonymous

“Love is the mortar that holds the human structure together.”
-Karen Casey

“He is not a lover who does not love forever.”
- Euripides

“When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.”
-Elizabeth Bowen

“There is no remedy but to love more.”
-Henry David Thoreau

“As I continue my talks with her, I become aware that, in my heart, a window is opening.
Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.”
-G. Moore

“I would fly you to the moon and back if you’ll be . . . if you’ll be my baby.”
-Savage Garden

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.”
-Elynor Glyn

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”
-Thoreau.

“Real love stories never have endings.”
-Richard Bach

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love - women like to be a man’s last romance.”
-Oscar Wilde

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.”
-Natalie Cole

“When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.”
-Elizabeth Bowen

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world Is a woman’s heart.”
-Josiah G. Holland

“Love is not a matter of counting the years … But making the years count.”
-Michelle Amand

“Love is a look that linketh noble minds, Faith is the key that shuts the spring of Love.”
—Robert Greene

“Love and desire are the spirit’s wings to great deeds.”
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“To love is to know the sacrifices which eternity exacts from life.”
—John Oliver Hobbes

“Love consists in desiring to give what is our own to another and feeling his delight as our own.”
—Emanuel Swedenborg

“Love is a beautiful dream.”
-William Sharp

“Those who love deeply never grown old; they may die of old age, but they die young.”
—Arthur Wing Pinero

“We were two and had but one heart.”
—Francois Villon

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.”
-Samuel Butler

“I have learned not to worry about love; But to honor its coming with all my heart.”
-Alice Walker

“I love you - those three words have my life in them.”
-Alexandrea to Nicholas III

“I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder’d at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr’d for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.”
-John Keats

“Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected.”
quotes by, zee

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
quotes by, Bob Hope

“A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.”
quotes by, Ronald Reagan

“I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.”
quotes by, Albert Einstein

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
quotes by, Dean Martin

“If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.”
quotes by, Tommy Lasorda

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
quotes by, Jim Wohford

“Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” - after being told he looked cool.
quotes by, Yogi Berra

“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” -Homer J. Simpson Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
quotes by, Bill Cosby

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
quotes by, Albert Einstein

“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.”
quotes, Anonymous.

“Half of the people in the world are below average.”
quotes, Anonymous.

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!”
quotes, Yogi Berra.

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,”
quotes, Calvin.

“Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
quotes, Rodney Dangerfield

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.”
quotes, Albert Einstein

“Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.”
quotes, Lisa Hoffman.

“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
quotes, Anonymous.

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.”
quotes, Proverb.

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
quotes, Winston Churchill.

“I can resist everything except temptation.”
quotes, Oscar Wilde.

“There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”
quotes, Franklin.

“To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
quotes, Mark Twain.

“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”
quotes, David Friedman.

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
quotes, Unknown.

“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
quotes, George Bush.

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”
quotes, Noelie Altito.

“Honolulu - it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”
quotes, Ken Dodd.

“One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool”
quotes, Edgar Watson Howe.

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”
quotes, Unknown.

“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”
quotes, Paul Getty.

“42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot”
quotes by, Unkown.

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
quotes by, Unknown.

“Lifes Tough, get a helmet!”
quotes by, Unknown.

“You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”
quotes by, Dilbert.

“Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.”
quotes by, Anonymous member of a chain gang.

“A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation”
quotes by, Unknown.

“It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!”
quotes by, Unknown.

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
quotes by, Whitney Brown.

“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”
quotes by, Rodney Dangerfield.

“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
quotes by, Rich Cook.

“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
quotes by, Henry Kissinger.

“y all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.”
quotes by, Socrates.

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
quotes by, Pearl Williams.

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
quotes by, Dave.

“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”
quotes by, Dan Zevin.

“Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ….”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
quotes by, Geraldo Rivera.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
quotes by, Hillary Clinton

“In weight lifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”
quotes by, Jack Handey.

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
quotes by, Franklin P. Jones.

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
quotes by, Jane Wagner.

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
quotes by, Erica Jong.

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
quotes by, Lily Tomlin.

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
quotes by, Robert A. Heinlein.

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
quotes by, David Letterman.

“If you can’t fix it with duck tape you have’nt used enough.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.”
quotes by, Les Dawson.

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
quotes by, Bill Vaughan.

“I am at two with nature.”
quotes by, Woody Allen.

“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
quotes by, Homer J Simpson.

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.

“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.”
quotes by, Benjamin Franklin.

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
quotes by, Groucho Marx.

“Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”
quotes by, Homer J Simpson.

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
quotes by, Sam Levenson.

“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
quotes by, Phyllis Diller.

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
quotes by, Woody Allen.

“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.”
quotes by, Chuck Tanner.

“Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“We have found that it’s much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more often drain the kids.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is a garlic breath”.
quotes by, Anonymous.

“He’s nice to people ‘n animals… but you oughta hear him talkin’ to a golf ball!”
quotes by,Dennis The Menace.

“Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.”
quotes by, Joan Konner.

“The downhill path is easy, but there’s no turning back.”
quotes by, Christina Rossetti.

“By the time we’re ready to admit we’ve reached middle age, we’re beyond it.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”
quotes by, Anonymous.

“If rain drops were kisses,I could send u showers. if hugs were seas i send you oceans. and if love was a person i send you me.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one.”
quotes by-Guy De Maupassant

“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.”
quotes by-Barbara Bush

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
quotes by-James Baldwin

“Love builds bridges where there are none.”
quotes by-R. H. Delaney

“Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never.”
quotes by-Charles Caleb Colton

“If ever two were one, then surely we. If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.”
quotes by-Anne Bradstreet

“The best proof of love is trust.”
quotes by-Dr. Joyce Brothers

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.”
quotes by-Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

“Where there is great love, there are always wishes.”
quotes by-Willa Cather

“We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together.”
quotes by-La Bruyere

“You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life.”
quotes by-Smiley Blanton

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
quotes by-Buddha

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
quotes by-James Baldwin

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything.”
quotes by-Anonymous.

“We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.”
quotes by-Benjamin Disraeli

“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”
quotes by-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.”
quotes by-Hellen Keller

“Can miles truly separate you from friends….If you want to be with someone you love, aren’t you already there?”
quotes by-Richard Bach

“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.”
quotes by-Mistinguette

“In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.”
quotes by-Erich Fromm

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion.”
quotes by-Javan

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
quotes by-Lao-Tzu

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.”
quotes by-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The art of love … is largely the art of persistence.”
quotes by-Albert Ellis

“Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
quotes by-Homer Jay Simpson, The Simpsons

“The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.”
quotes by-Nan Fairbrother

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
quotes by-Judy Garland

“There is only one terminal dignity — love.”
quotes by-Helen Hayes

Hope is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul- And sings the tunes without the words- And never stops- at all.
quotes by-Emily Dickinson

“The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.”
quotes by-Sloan Wilson

“Hallow the body as a temple to comeliness and sanctify the heart as a sacrifice to love; love recompenses the adorers.”
quotes by-Kahlil Gibran, “Beauty”

“Hey, I don’t need no advice from a pinball machine. I’ll have you know, I wrote the book on love.”
quotes by-Moe Szyslak, The Simpsons

“All mankind love a lover.”
quotes by-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Where there is love there is life.”
quotes by-Mahatma Gandhi

“The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.”
quotes by-Anais Nin

“Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.”
quotes by-Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve

“We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists … in the loved one, perfection.”
quotes by-Sidney Poitier

“There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.”
quotes by-Francois De La Rochefoucauld

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
quotes by-Mother Theresa

“Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your good health has vanished.”
quotes by-Og Mandino

“The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”
quotes by-Victor Hugo

“The cure for all ills and wrongs, the cares, the sorrows and the crimes of humanity, all lie in the one word ‘love.’ It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life.”
quotes by-Lydia Maria Child

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.”
quotes by-Plato

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.”
quotes by-Bertrand Russell

“Do all things with love.”
quotes by-Og Mandino

“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, / Romeo? / Deny thy father, and refuse thy name…”
quotes by-William Shakespeare

“Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.”
quotes by-Emily Dickinson

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
quotes by-Erich Segal

“A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.”
quotes by-Stendhal

“To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.”
quotes by-Anna Louise Strong

“Nunc scio quit sit amor.” Lat., “Now I know what love is.”
quotes by-Virgil

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”
quotes by-Ingrid Bergman

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