Funny Quotes
“Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected.”
quotes by, zee
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
quotes by, Bob Hope
“A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.”
quotes by, Ronald Reagan
“I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.”
quotes by, Albert Einstein
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
quotes by, Dean Martin
“If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.”
quotes by, Tommy Lasorda
“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
quotes by, Jim Wohford
“Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” - after being told he looked cool.
quotes by, Yogi Berra
“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” -Homer J. Simpson Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
quotes by, Bill Cosby
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
quotes by, Albert Einstein
“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.”
quotes, Anonymous.
“Half of the people in the world are below average.”
quotes, Anonymous.
“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!”
quotes, Yogi Berra.
“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,”
quotes, Calvin.
“Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.”
quotes, Albert Einstein
“Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.”
quotes, Lisa Hoffman.
“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
quotes, Anonymous.
“A rich man’s joke is always funny.”
quotes, Proverb.
“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
quotes, Winston Churchill.
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
quotes, Oscar Wilde.
“There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”
quotes, Franklin.
“To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
quotes, Mark Twain.
“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”
quotes, David Friedman.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
quotes, Unknown.
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
quotes, George Bush.
“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”
quotes, Noelie Altito.
“Honolulu - it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”
quotes, Ken Dodd.
“One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool”
quotes, Edgar Watson Howe.
“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”
quotes, Unknown.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”
quotes, Paul Getty.
“42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot”
quotes by, Unkown.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
quotes by, Unknown.
“Lifes Tough, get a helmet!”
quotes by, Unknown.
“You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”
quotes by, Dilbert.
“Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.”
quotes by, Anonymous member of a chain gang.
“A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation”
quotes by, Unknown.
“It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!”
quotes by, Unknown.
“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
quotes by, Whitney Brown.
“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”
quotes by, Rodney Dangerfield.
“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
quotes by, Rich Cook.
“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
quotes by, Henry Kissinger.
“y all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.”
quotes by, Socrates.
“Hermits have no peer pressure.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.
“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
quotes by, Pearl Williams.
“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
quotes by, Dave.
“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”
quotes by, Dan Zevin.
“Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ….”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
quotes by, Geraldo Rivera.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
quotes by, Hillary Clinton
“In weight lifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”
quotes by, Jack Handey.
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
quotes by, Franklin P. Jones.
“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
quotes by, Jane Wagner.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
quotes by, Erica Jong.
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
quotes by, Lily Tomlin.
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
quotes by, Robert A. Heinlein.
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
quotes by, David Letterman.
“If you can’t fix it with duck tape you have’nt used enough.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.”
quotes by, Les Dawson.
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
quotes by, Bill Vaughan.
“I am at two with nature.”
quotes by, Woody Allen.
“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
quotes by, Homer J Simpson.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.
“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.”
quotes by, Benjamin Franklin.
“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
quotes by, Groucho Marx.
“Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”
quotes by, Homer J Simpson.
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
quotes by, Sam Levenson.
“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
quotes by, Phyllis Diller.
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
quotes by, Steven Wright.
“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
quotes by, Woody Allen.
“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.”
quotes by, Chuck Tanner.
“Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“We have found that it’s much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more often drain the kids.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is a garlic breath”.
quotes by, Anonymous.
“He’s nice to people ‘n animals… but you oughta hear him talkin’ to a golf ball!”
quotes by,Dennis The Menace.
“Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.”
quotes by, Joan Konner.
“The downhill path is easy, but there’s no turning back.”
quotes by, Christina Rossetti.
“By the time we’re ready to admit we’ve reached middle age, we’re beyond it.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
“An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”
quotes by, Anonymous.
